It's easy to talk yourself out of something you haven't learned yet as a truth. "Well maybe...." or "I'm just nervous" or whatever. It's hope for things unseen. It's faith that everything goes the way it's supposed to. And we have, as a family, faith that our creator orchestrates what we cannot and so really, why worry. Especially about our reproductive achievements, if you will: four healthy pregnancies, four easy labor & deliveries, and four perfect little boys in eight years.
Yet, still, I had this completely unwarranted worry that something just wasn't right. There was no rhyme or reason that led me to believe that something was wrong, other than light cramping that everyone and every website reiterated as normal (it is, but has never been for me, which prompted, "it must be a girl" sentiments). Other than that, I had a very vivid dream of miscarrying that now seems like real-life foreshadowing.
When I finally saw our babe on the ultrasound screen and it wasn't bouncing around like each one of the boys were, I knew the ultrasound tech wouldn't find a heart beat. It's the first thing you can usually see, after all, and there was only stillness. In every sense of the word. Even Nash, who I had reservations about taking because the boy is a pistol, was unusually still.
The tech was thorough and when we were both certain, she called my doctor in to discuss options. The baby had passed 3 1/2 weeks earlier and my only shock of the day was the fact that my body hadn't even alerted me (other than the dream) of what had happened. Where was the spotting?! I didn't want to make any rash decisions and Nash was starting to get rowdy, so I told her I would call her back and let her know if I wanted a d & c, which sounded terrifying. Side note: I've never been put under.
After I went home and after speaking about it with Travis, we decided it might be the best thing if I went ahead and got the d & c. We made the appointment and made preparations, had the surgery and everything was fine. (to someone who is considering what to do - it was so quick and easy, and hardly any cramping or spotting afterward)
And so everyone wants to know, how do I feel? And that answer has to be different for each and every person who goes through this. I feel okay and at peace with it. I said this on my Instagram: it is hard to feel devastated when you've been so richly blessed. Disappointed? Of course. Sad? Yes, but not a disabling kind of sadness. But also thankful that if the baby wasn't forming right, that this happened at 12 weeks instead of 30. Or worse, had a still born birth. And we're just trusting that The Lord has our back, irreverently speaking.
It didn't hurt that we were surrounded by friends and family with calls, texts, FB messages, people that stopped by or sent gifts and flowers...and the food! If you aren't friendly with good people who will cook for you when you are down, you've got to get some better friends. And of course, the thoughts and prayers made all the difference. It was all very much appreciated and made our burden so much lighter. Thank you - you guys know who you are.
A friend posted this on my FB, and I had heard the quote before, but it really touched my heart the day I read it - and I believe it.
"There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint in this world"
Travis and I will carry that tiny imprint with us. At the moment, I'm not sure of the how, but I know, in the same way I knew before, it will touch others, too, and will make a difference somewhere. This little life, as short as it was, will not be forgotten.